Hey Parents! Where Ya’ll At?
Over the past two years, whilst I have commented on many aspects of Chinese life during that period, you may have noticed that there has been one very important feature missing – work. I have largely kept my opinions away from the dangerous clutches of the Internet and it’s web of warriors out of professional courtesy but as I have now left China, I feel it’s time to share some of the most ludicrous things I have experienced over the past two and a half years. Whilst my family and friends have largely seen the pictures of my adventures both in China and abroad, the vast majority of my time here has, actually, been spent earning a living. It should come as no surprise that in a country with many cultural differences and government influence, to say that problems sometime occur in the workplace would be the understatement of the millennium. In today’s post, I want to focus on one aspect in particular which leads to the vast majority of workplace conflicts – Chinese parenting styles.
Growing up in the UK, whilst there is private education, it’s fair to say that it’s not the norm, so dealing with the parents of privately educated children can be a massive challenge. Parents pay a lot of money in China for their children’s education and rightly so, expect a lot in return. Some pay at least £5000 pounds a year for kindergarten tuition as well as potentially another £3000-£5000 per year for private language school education, meaning they pay nearly as much as someone’s yearly salary, who’s earning the minimum wage in the UK. The biggest problem many teachers encounter is discipline. In some aspects of modern China, the only discipline is money. Kids are essentially bought off, given rewards for good behaviour and very rarely reprimanded for anything bad they may do. In a classroom environment, this becomes almost impossible to manage as parents expect reward after reward but very rarely accept any form of strong discipline.
The biggest problem are those parents who ‘just want their kids to have fun.’ Language learning isn’t easy, no matter what age you are, and whilst ESL teaching, especially for younger kids, is based largely around fun and enjoyment, there still need to be rules in the classroom. Whilst the classroom setting is fun, at the end of the day, it’s still a classroom which is an aspect that this particular group of parents don’t usually understand. Kids from this group of parents often exhibit the worst attitudes and at times I have been spat on, kicked, sneezed on, bitten and have had a giant bogey wiped on my sleeve that sadly, wasn’t my own. Any form of misbehaviour tends to be put down to classroom content rather than individual behaviour, making the situation very difficult to manage. The concept of ‘saving face’ comes heavily into play in these situations. Parents are often embarrassed by their children’s behaviour and any further scrutiny from a teacher or support staff can often lead to problems. In my previous job we had a stamp reward system which for myself and other English teachers is exactly that – a reward system. However, for this particular group of parents it is seen as a way of increasing their child’s interest in English and any reduction in rewards is seen as detrimental to their enjoyment. I had one pupil who simply refused to co-operate during a class, which for me, is not an option. If he had tried something and still didn’t like it, we would move on and try something new. As a result, I removed some stamps in front of the father, hoping this would spark a reaction from both parties. In reality, it had the opposite effect – I got a call two days later saying my attitude ‘wasn’t appropriate’ and the parents were thinking of removing the boy from the class, despite his enjoyment of every other class. At times though, situations such as these can keep you on your feet as a teacher. They often produce the greatest personal rewards and at times you can become complacent, resting on similar routines which kids are naturally going to get bored of. Whilst you don’t want thirty of these individual pupils a week, it is definitely a useful situation to expand your horizons and teaching methods.
Another aspect of Chinese parenting that is heavily prevalent, is absence. Some parents are simply never there and whilst this is true of any modern society, parenting has almost skipped a generation in China, leading me to wonder, what is possibly going to be the case in twenty years time when my former pupils are having their own children. Think of this situation:
You’re 65 years old, you’ve finally retired and your kids (whom you love with all your heart…) are finally married and have left the nest. Oh, what sweet relief. You can play mahjong – a traditional Chinese game – with your friends during the week and if the pollution is still at ‘red’ levels on the weekend, you can escape to your local mountain, lake or possibly even the ocean for some sweet release from the toxic air. But wait, what’s that? Your son/daughter just told you they’re expecting. Oh, but you should be happy that you have some delightful little critter you can see every other week until you die, peacefully, in your sleep in 20-30 years time. Eh, no, that would be wrong. How about a crying monster that you’ll see every day until you’re forced into an early grave from exhaustion, never having seen a mountain, lake or ocean again unless you’ve chosen one of those locations to prematurely end it all. You’ve already raised one generation. At your age can you really raise another child with the same discipline and determination that you raised the first one? Of course not.
As extreme as this may seem this is exactly the kind of situation that’s common in modern-day China. Parenting has essentially skipped a generation, they go off to work and grandparents are left to raise a second generation of children. If you’re a teacher, generally you will find that even parents who spend no time reviewing their kids’ English work, but are actively involved in their childrens’ lives, will often excel in your class. Problems arise when there is a lack of parental involvement and discipline lies in the hands of ageing grandparents or the family ‘aunty’ – a woman who may be employed like a housekeeper to take care of family business and sometimes, even, the rearing of their children. Obviously, these factions care deeply about the children they are raising, but don’t share the same sense of responsibility that a parent usually would when it comes to an organised and disciplined family household. Thus, you often find this group of kids can be the most difficult that you will encounter in China but often, they are just crying out for your help and attention.
Finally, I’d like to share with you the story of my first kindergarten class. The school I taught at claimed to be the most prestigious in the province – still not sure about that one. In a province of over 67m people, however, it should be some institution. As a result, very wealthy parents would send their kids to that school and some would even send their kids to board. For the week. FOR THE WEEK! 4, 5 and 6 year old pupils would be separated from their parents for an entire week, sleeping day and night at the school and often crying day and night too. There used to be kids who would cry when I left, partly because I think, on some level, they could sense that I understood what they were going through, coming from a different culture and realising how incredibly cruel it was. It was probably partly my fault for showering them with sympathy too but often, these kids really struggled when it came to class time. Out of 15 kids, 7 of them were boarding and they were by far the worst behaved and also performed the worst. At times, I would get glimpses of their true potential but it was minimal in comparison to the kids raised at home, so if you’re teaching in China or even considering it, you need to bear these things in mind. Any parents reading this post, look after your kids folks!
